Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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