i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
