he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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