Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize