I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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