Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
