I just made out with a guy for $7.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
