wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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