I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
