mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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