Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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