New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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