She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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