Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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