I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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