That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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