Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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