I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
