The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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