hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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