life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
