I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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