My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
