Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
