I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Randomize
