I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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