end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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