I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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