I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
