you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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