Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
3pm strippers are depressing
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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