I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
