I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
