in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
