I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
