she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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