Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
