i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
