I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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