I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
