If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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