an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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