you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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