Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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