you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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