I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
