I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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