I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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