What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
