you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
honey bunches of taint.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
