Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize