I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
