There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
